did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
