Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
