I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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