You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
