i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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