so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
