I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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