dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
