sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
