1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
