I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
