chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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