Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
