Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
