i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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