i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
