There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
