Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize