i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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