by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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