No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
