I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
