Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Im part way to drunk.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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