Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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