I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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