i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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