this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
