Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
