I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
