just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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