Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
