She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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