haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
