i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
