Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
