I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
