The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
