You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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