people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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