peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
