I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
