the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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