i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
