Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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