I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
