my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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