We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
