I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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