I wish I only lived at night.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
