I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just threw up on my dentist
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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