is your mom at the bar?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
