The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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